my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
