You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
