Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In other news, I just burned my penis
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
