I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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