My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
