I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
