i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
