How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
