If i come over, it means nothing
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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