I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So vagazzling was a success
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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