I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
