i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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