My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Randomize
