Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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