people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
