I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
