my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
