how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
