true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
