I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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