its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
