I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
