literally had 100 drinks last night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
