you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My breasts were aching with rage.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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