I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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