Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
