im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
