i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
