Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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