so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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