Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
