Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
