My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
