OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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