ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
