Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
