dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
