Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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