maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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