barbara walters just said penis...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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