I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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