i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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