All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
