party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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