she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
