Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
