i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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