the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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