my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
