What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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