Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sarcasm needs its own font
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
