You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
