walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
