I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
