I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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