Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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