She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
